used to call me fatso, now you call me castro
International espionage at Candler today. Due to the weather, Megan and I refused to walk any further than we needed to in order to enjoy our microwave lunches, so we chose the basement break room which has all the aesthetic charm of one of Turkey's less charming prisons (no homo). Of course, our first instinct was to check the refrigerator; and lost amongst the apple sauce canister that could legally get served alcohol and the bags and bags and bags of ice sat a 1.5-gallon bottle of wine that an undisclosed informant told me has been there for possibly six months. And it wasn't even Franzia! Our time was now. We mapped out our high-stakes wine thievery like a well-played game of Hungry Hungry Hippos; I came in with a bag and put in there. And then I left. Fin.
(Speaking of Franzia, that reminds me of one my favorite "wasakalidoscope" posts that never got the commentary it deserved
http://www.livejournal.com/users/wasakalidoscope/38774.html
I think I'll archive the ones I think are still worth reading in the near future.)
I figure that we had to move into action since Megan was riding high on the karma wave since having her pilfered iPod replaced by the good people in Candler. She spends all day surrounded by international people who want to buy her the latest in hipster accessories; shouldn't this be worrying me a lot more? My roommate's also setting the bar ridiculously high; I'm liable to find him making fries for his girlfriend at 10 AM, or when's he feeling particularly frisky, a Tombstone for two. I shall now dispose of all items in refrigerator not receiving the blessing of the corporate heads at Tyson and Ore-Ida. And by the way, this morning at 8:30 AM, I smell a freshly-made Hot Pocket and hear the cracking open of a Coke. I know dude's not hungover. Their kids will be taking the bullet train to Scurvy Island. Did he just not ever get fed Lucky Charms as a kid? And don't give me that "it's not a healthy breakfast" shpiel. Shit's got half the calories of granola, and the vast majority of the vitamins all those cereals brag about are probably useless. I can't recall too many days where I though to myself, "if I don't get me some niacin and vitamin E40, I'm not gonna make it through Pre-Calc." And even if I did, I'm sure the people at General Mills can stick a niacin syringe into a batch of red balloon marshmallows and squeeze.
But I digress and get back to the larger point of the "Don't Do What Donny Don't Does" approach to common-refrigerator adverse possession. Keep in mind that there are variation in its abandonment requirement, depending on the particular product. Now granted, I do not advocate stealing of anything in a common refrigerator...unless you see it there, in the back, for at least a month and a half. And it should at least be in a box of some sort. By then, you've been eyeing it up like a dude at a frat party during the 2:30 AM dumpster dive; "I've had my eye on you for a while, and you're still here. That must mean you want to come home with me." And such as with dumpster diving, the worse it is, the better chance you have. Like, if it's one of those "heats-in-its-own-box" Budget Gourmet deals that's been hanging in the back for longer than you care to remember, hey, it's your party. Or if you're at a job, and you know damn well that the can of chocolate Ensure was the preferred potable of someone you're 55% sure got fired, by all means. But my Life Choice is all dolled up with extra vegetables and put in tupperware beforehand, so if you've got your eye on one of those, it's your fucking grave, hombre.
But the key is to not think about it as stealing. Do as I was told when I was a pledge; you're "liberating" things, like how we would go to O-Hill and "liberate" silverware for the house. You see, the key is to ask it if it's being oppressed. And it won't be able to say anything, because that's how it works when you're subject to an oppressive regime. You're a freedom fighter.
Of course, that's half the reason I drink Tab (the other half being that it tastes fucking awesome, and I'm hoping to be the person who drinks the last Tab before its discontinuation). I'm known in the lunch area as "that guy who drinks Tab," as well as Max Power and Rembrandt Q. Einstein. I got an army making sure you aren't "liberating" my captives. Just like Castro.
(Speaking of Franzia, that reminds me of one my favorite "wasakalidoscope" posts that never got the commentary it deserved
http://www.livejournal.com/users/wasakalidoscope/38774.html
I think I'll archive the ones I think are still worth reading in the near future.)
I figure that we had to move into action since Megan was riding high on the karma wave since having her pilfered iPod replaced by the good people in Candler. She spends all day surrounded by international people who want to buy her the latest in hipster accessories; shouldn't this be worrying me a lot more? My roommate's also setting the bar ridiculously high; I'm liable to find him making fries for his girlfriend at 10 AM, or when's he feeling particularly frisky, a Tombstone for two. I shall now dispose of all items in refrigerator not receiving the blessing of the corporate heads at Tyson and Ore-Ida. And by the way, this morning at 8:30 AM, I smell a freshly-made Hot Pocket and hear the cracking open of a Coke. I know dude's not hungover. Their kids will be taking the bullet train to Scurvy Island. Did he just not ever get fed Lucky Charms as a kid? And don't give me that "it's not a healthy breakfast" shpiel. Shit's got half the calories of granola, and the vast majority of the vitamins all those cereals brag about are probably useless. I can't recall too many days where I though to myself, "if I don't get me some niacin and vitamin E40, I'm not gonna make it through Pre-Calc." And even if I did, I'm sure the people at General Mills can stick a niacin syringe into a batch of red balloon marshmallows and squeeze.
But I digress and get back to the larger point of the "Don't Do What Donny Don't Does" approach to common-refrigerator adverse possession. Keep in mind that there are variation in its abandonment requirement, depending on the particular product. Now granted, I do not advocate stealing of anything in a common refrigerator...unless you see it there, in the back, for at least a month and a half. And it should at least be in a box of some sort. By then, you've been eyeing it up like a dude at a frat party during the 2:30 AM dumpster dive; "I've had my eye on you for a while, and you're still here. That must mean you want to come home with me." And such as with dumpster diving, the worse it is, the better chance you have. Like, if it's one of those "heats-in-its-own-box" Budget Gourmet deals that's been hanging in the back for longer than you care to remember, hey, it's your party. Or if you're at a job, and you know damn well that the can of chocolate Ensure was the preferred potable of someone you're 55% sure got fired, by all means. But my Life Choice is all dolled up with extra vegetables and put in tupperware beforehand, so if you've got your eye on one of those, it's your fucking grave, hombre.
But the key is to not think about it as stealing. Do as I was told when I was a pledge; you're "liberating" things, like how we would go to O-Hill and "liberate" silverware for the house. You see, the key is to ask it if it's being oppressed. And it won't be able to say anything, because that's how it works when you're subject to an oppressive regime. You're a freedom fighter.
Of course, that's half the reason I drink Tab (the other half being that it tastes fucking awesome, and I'm hoping to be the person who drinks the last Tab before its discontinuation). I'm known in the lunch area as "that guy who drinks Tab," as well as Max Power and Rembrandt Q. Einstein. I got an army making sure you aren't "liberating" my captives. Just like Castro.
posted by Ian at 10:13 PM
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