stomp you like that cat blanka
If you rely on the internet for music news, you tend to have a distorted view of what's really popular. Take Radiohead, for example. You could argue they're the biggest band in the world, or at least the most important. Heck, every time our Entertainment Law professor brings up a "big" band that's actually getting decent royalties, she uses them as an illustration. So "Hail To The Thief" comes out, their first record in two or so years, and they're making videos and everything. So it stands to reason that it'll at least drop at #1 in its debut week, right? How about #3, behind Luther Vandross and "St. Anger" in its second week? Because you forgot "Amnesiac" debuted at #2 behind Staind's "Break The Cycle."
Likewise, this past week, you would figure that Mike Jones would sell something like 400K, since he was on CNN.com, and people actually buy rap albums. Okay, raise your hand if you thought the Rob Timberlake 5 would outsell "Who Is Mike Jones?" by over 80,000 copies. That's a lot of hands up there, but you probably spend less time on blogs than I do.
And that wasn't even the biggest surprise. That honor goes to the fact that the soundtrack to Three 6 Mafia's "Choices 2: The Movie" (back by popular demand?) dropped at #10. Frankly, I'm just amazed that there are 80,000 or some odd people who are bigger Three 6 fans than I am. Well, then again, I did not have "Choices: The Movie":The Soundtrack either, but I did manage to download both "Dis Bitch, Dat Hoe" (featuring one of Ludacris' finest "I'm getting paid in cash for this, right?" cameos) and "Two Way Freak," yet another instance of Three 6 taking fringe rap references and making entire songs about them for the mainstream (see also, "Ridin' Spinners," "Sippin' On Some Syrup").
I guess you can let that slide considering...I bought the movie. Let me rephrase that, I bought the movie, but I currently do not own it. That's because it's still sitting at Wops' apartment in NYC. You see, there are some things you shouldn't find in a used CD store; legit Beatles albums, CDs that were released the day before, Audioslave...okay, scratch that. But in suburban Philadelphia, the fact that "Choices: The Movie" was in the still-developing used CD section is something along the lines of a minor miracle. That's simply a purchase you need to make, eating Ramen for a week be damned.
I'm not exactly sure what we were expecting watching "Choices: The Movie," but it had Project Pat playing a big scary motherfucker (the part he was born to play) in an "unforgettable role" (their words),
La Chat playing some nasty ghetto diva (the part she was born to play)
and "Slob On My Knob" was played during integral parts of the plot. And at one point, Juicy J pulled up to DJ Paul in their respective Escalades to ask if he had any Grey Poupon, which was the highlight of the movie by a North Memphis ghetto mile.
In the end, it suffered the same problem that has befallen every movie made by a rap collective. Rather than building a plot around their more entertaining rap personae, they try to tell their story about the times people that lived above the buildings they was hustlin' in front of was callin' the police on them when they was just tryin' to make some money to feed they daughter. Unless we're talking about "Disorderlies," which is a whole different bag of donuts altogether.
Really, if you've ever heard a non-dramatic skit on a rap CD, where it at least SOUNDS like they're ad-libbing, that's some hilarious shit. If you told me I could get the film version of CNN's "Wet Willie" or "Shows!" skits, or an album that collected every single intro from Ca$h Money's golden years, I'd sleep in front of the Best Buy just to get there first. Would you rather hear the Ca$h Money crew just talk for an hour about eating Popeye's and drinking Cristal or see them try to make a dramatic production? Not that it'll stop from looking for "Baller Blockin'" at every kinda-indie movie store I go to.
In fact, the funniest movie that prominently featured more than one rapper was "Higher Learning," and I really don't think that was the effect John Singleton was going for. I mean, things were poppin' off on campus in the early '90s, but dude turned Columbus U. into some Mad Max postapocalyptic war zone. There's probably some SDS alumni from Berkeley who watch this shit and think it went overboard.
I've seen it a couple of times, or at least I think I did. The first time I saw it, I was fairly convinced I was a White Devil. "Roots" probably had more redeeming white characters than "Higher Learning". The second time I saw it, it was the worst movie I've ever seen. The third time I saw it, it was the funniest movie I've ever seen. Allow me to recall, off the top of my head, the 10 most hilarious aspects of "Higher Learning":
10. Tagline: "Question the knowledge." Isn't that a Mighty Mighty Bosstones album?
9. Supposedly it takes place in a California school, yet I don't see a 50% Asian student body.
8. Busta Rhymes letting out a Blanka scream (take that white boy!) before kicking neo-Nazi ass.
7. Lawrence Fishburne saying "pepperMINT?" in his Adonal Foyle accent.
6. Ice Cube's black militant character has "White" as a last name. Irony fans rejoice!
5. My roommate from second-year had a subscription to Maxim, and if I remember correctly, Kristy Swanson had the best one ever, and it wasn't even close. Before she was Buffy, she had to pay her dues here. She of course got date raped at a frat house by guys wearing embroidered letter sweaters...okay, lemme stop there. Embroidered sweaters are utterly due for a comeback, and I just might be the one to do it. If Lacoste, Ray Bans and standups can survive the '80s to be frat staples, I don't see how something the future Jefferson D'Arcy rocked as an Alpha Beta in "Revenge Of The Nerds" can't.
So anyways, Kelly Swanson comes thisclose to doing lesbian shit with a lesbian so caricatured (Jennifer Connelly?) she should've had her own G.I. Joe character, but she ends up fucking this longhaired dude who's into Tori Amos, because, get this, he offers to wear a condom. Classy! To quote Jay-Z, "shit, I put the rubber on tighter."
4. I think the Roots are huge fans of this movie. Why? Well, during the Diversity Fair, they show this spoken word guy going, "what is high? What is LEARN-ing? What is HIGHer LEarning?," and I'm pretty sure it's the same guy who takes up the last ten minutes of every one of their CDs.
3. Omar Epps: "What are all these books for?"
Ice Cube: "TO FEED YO BRAIN!"
2. Omar Epps's roommate is the guy who, thanks to imdb, can be referred to by name instead of as "the guy who always gets his ass kicked."
And #1, by light years...
1. Tyra Banks, choking on her own blood- "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!"
Actually, the best part was when it was on Starzzz! 15 during our "stealing cable" days at the frat, and after it was done, O-Frank went, "you know what, guys? That was a REAL GOOD movie!" You know what? He's kinda right.
Likewise, this past week, you would figure that Mike Jones would sell something like 400K, since he was on CNN.com, and people actually buy rap albums. Okay, raise your hand if you thought the Rob Timberlake 5 would outsell "Who Is Mike Jones?" by over 80,000 copies. That's a lot of hands up there, but you probably spend less time on blogs than I do.
And that wasn't even the biggest surprise. That honor goes to the fact that the soundtrack to Three 6 Mafia's "Choices 2: The Movie" (back by popular demand?) dropped at #10. Frankly, I'm just amazed that there are 80,000 or some odd people who are bigger Three 6 fans than I am. Well, then again, I did not have "Choices: The Movie":The Soundtrack either, but I did manage to download both "Dis Bitch, Dat Hoe" (featuring one of Ludacris' finest "I'm getting paid in cash for this, right?" cameos) and "Two Way Freak," yet another instance of Three 6 taking fringe rap references and making entire songs about them for the mainstream (see also, "Ridin' Spinners," "Sippin' On Some Syrup").
I guess you can let that slide considering...I bought the movie. Let me rephrase that, I bought the movie, but I currently do not own it. That's because it's still sitting at Wops' apartment in NYC. You see, there are some things you shouldn't find in a used CD store; legit Beatles albums, CDs that were released the day before, Audioslave...okay, scratch that. But in suburban Philadelphia, the fact that "Choices: The Movie" was in the still-developing used CD section is something along the lines of a minor miracle. That's simply a purchase you need to make, eating Ramen for a week be damned.
I'm not exactly sure what we were expecting watching "Choices: The Movie," but it had Project Pat playing a big scary motherfucker (the part he was born to play) in an "unforgettable role" (their words),
La Chat playing some nasty ghetto diva (the part she was born to play)
and "Slob On My Knob" was played during integral parts of the plot. And at one point, Juicy J pulled up to DJ Paul in their respective Escalades to ask if he had any Grey Poupon, which was the highlight of the movie by a North Memphis ghetto mile.
In the end, it suffered the same problem that has befallen every movie made by a rap collective. Rather than building a plot around their more entertaining rap personae, they try to tell their story about the times people that lived above the buildings they was hustlin' in front of was callin' the police on them when they was just tryin' to make some money to feed they daughter. Unless we're talking about "Disorderlies," which is a whole different bag of donuts altogether.
Really, if you've ever heard a non-dramatic skit on a rap CD, where it at least SOUNDS like they're ad-libbing, that's some hilarious shit. If you told me I could get the film version of CNN's "Wet Willie" or "Shows!" skits, or an album that collected every single intro from Ca$h Money's golden years, I'd sleep in front of the Best Buy just to get there first. Would you rather hear the Ca$h Money crew just talk for an hour about eating Popeye's and drinking Cristal or see them try to make a dramatic production? Not that it'll stop from looking for "Baller Blockin'" at every kinda-indie movie store I go to.
In fact, the funniest movie that prominently featured more than one rapper was "Higher Learning," and I really don't think that was the effect John Singleton was going for. I mean, things were poppin' off on campus in the early '90s, but dude turned Columbus U. into some Mad Max postapocalyptic war zone. There's probably some SDS alumni from Berkeley who watch this shit and think it went overboard.
I've seen it a couple of times, or at least I think I did. The first time I saw it, I was fairly convinced I was a White Devil. "Roots" probably had more redeeming white characters than "Higher Learning". The second time I saw it, it was the worst movie I've ever seen. The third time I saw it, it was the funniest movie I've ever seen. Allow me to recall, off the top of my head, the 10 most hilarious aspects of "Higher Learning":
10. Tagline: "Question the knowledge." Isn't that a Mighty Mighty Bosstones album?
9. Supposedly it takes place in a California school, yet I don't see a 50% Asian student body.
8. Busta Rhymes letting out a Blanka scream (take that white boy!) before kicking neo-Nazi ass.
7. Lawrence Fishburne saying "pepperMINT?" in his Adonal Foyle accent.
6. Ice Cube's black militant character has "White" as a last name. Irony fans rejoice!
5. My roommate from second-year had a subscription to Maxim, and if I remember correctly, Kristy Swanson had the best one ever, and it wasn't even close. Before she was Buffy, she had to pay her dues here. She of course got date raped at a frat house by guys wearing embroidered letter sweaters...okay, lemme stop there. Embroidered sweaters are utterly due for a comeback, and I just might be the one to do it. If Lacoste, Ray Bans and standups can survive the '80s to be frat staples, I don't see how something the future Jefferson D'Arcy rocked as an Alpha Beta in "Revenge Of The Nerds" can't.
So anyways, Kelly Swanson comes thisclose to doing lesbian shit with a lesbian so caricatured (Jennifer Connelly?) she should've had her own G.I. Joe character, but she ends up fucking this longhaired dude who's into Tori Amos, because, get this, he offers to wear a condom. Classy! To quote Jay-Z, "shit, I put the rubber on tighter."
4. I think the Roots are huge fans of this movie. Why? Well, during the Diversity Fair, they show this spoken word guy going, "what is high? What is LEARN-ing? What is HIGHer LEarning?," and I'm pretty sure it's the same guy who takes up the last ten minutes of every one of their CDs.
3. Omar Epps: "What are all these books for?"
Ice Cube: "TO FEED YO BRAIN!"
2. Omar Epps's roommate is the guy who, thanks to imdb, can be referred to by name instead of as "the guy who always gets his ass kicked."
And #1, by light years...
1. Tyra Banks, choking on her own blood- "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!"
Actually, the best part was when it was on Starzzz! 15 during our "stealing cable" days at the frat, and after it was done, O-Frank went, "you know what, guys? That was a REAL GOOD movie!" You know what? He's kinda right.
posted by Ian at 9:39 AM
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