he's not addicted, he can stop any time
In case you missed it, the Sports Guy stole my fantasy team's name. I don't know if I'm more mad at him or myself.
Over a week ago, the apparently ESP-having Bol all but dared Sean Fennessey (is Eva Longoria the only thing outrageously overrated? We'll see) to vouch for Kanye's latest polarizer...and wouldn't you know? P-Fork done gave it a 9.5, which is rarefied, "Turn On The Bright Lights," "Funeral," "The Meadowlands" territory...which, not coincidentally, are among my favorite albums of the 21st century. As I've said before, an inordinately high P-Fork review of a band I've heard of rarely steers me wrong, but damn. Much like how the inclusion of "Smokin'" and "Braveheart Party" precluded "Stillmatic" from possibly being considered a 5-mic classic, "Diamonds" and "Gold Digger" are not two cuts from something that's being touted as a presumptive classic. I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether it's "Aquemini" (where evaluating it as "hip-hop" is reductive), or an "Eminem Show" (overbearing, overinclusive, humorless, self-important).
Better yet, in one of the more hyperaware internet contests in history, at Gorilla vs. Bear, you can guess the already-determined, inordinately-low score that Death Cab's new album is going to get from da 'Fork. I guessed a 3.5, based on the fact that's generally what Jimmy Eat World's pulling. As I said before, I'll find out tomorrow, since if they didn't stop me from buying and thoroughly enjoying the latest ...Trail Of Dead album, they won't here.
Also, you should be reading EDSBS as we speak, but if you're not clued into the genius that is so rock-solid, not even a UF education could sully it, start here. I must protest their failure to mention the infamous Lil' Hoo, one of the most bizarre footnotes to mascot lore. Although photo documentation is not available, imagine the Nebraska mascot that looks like the Bob's Big Boy crossed with one of those inflatable punching bag/clowns...and remember that this is EXACTLY what the ad wizards at the AD wanted
to come up with.
+ 
=
Your tax dollars at work
I can't exactly recall most of what happened from 2001-2002, but that's especially true with Lil' Hoo, since he was there in addition to our regular mascot. More or less, he wobbled around, flipped on its "head," absorbed insults and empty cups that would otherwise be directed at a FSU player and distracted us all from the fact that we were winning 17-16 games against Richmond at home.
Conor Oberst...Nebraska import accepted slightly more warmly in C-ville than Lil' Hoo
In fact, here's the obit...
Wear and tear accounts for a notable absence on the Virginia sidelines this year: Lil' Hoo. Lil' Hoo was retired last year after his motor and battery became weak and rusted. The inflatable costume was torn and dirty and, as the senior mascot admitted, "a lot of people hated Lil' Hoo. They hated 'that blob.'"
In other news, although I didn't get to watch the VMA's, if R. Kelly really did perform "Trapped In The Closet" by himself, that's the greatest thing in the history of EVER.
On with the show then, for BlogPoll #6, courtesy of Heisman Pundit. Please fellow BlogPollers, no need for an intervention here...
1. What criteria do you use to determine if a team and its players are good?
Frat analogy time! Nothing quite beats a frat date function...okay, that's a lie. But considering that I handled the monthly brother roast (big surprise there), I always looked forward to these faux-formal events to give me enough grist for my endlessly repeating mill of jokes regarding ugly dates and uncontrollable falling down. And in my time, dates have come and gone, but there are generally four types of approaches brothers usually take. We'll throw out two of them for the sake of ease, because no one wants to hear about the terminally inept or those who always take their friend or long-term girlfriend. They won't be the ones making out on the pool table. So fuck 'em.
As for the other two types, there's the one guy who always tries to take the hottest girl possible. Now, there's a chance he can succeed; after all, he had enough game to at least get the date to begin with. But everyone knows there's an inordinate amount of external factors that have to go down exactly right for things to be groovy, i.e., he has to drink enough to feel loose, but not too much that he passes out during "Wonderful Tonight," she has to get along with the other dates, etc. Then there's the guy who's taking heroic pulls of Evan Williams and could very well end up yelling at his date or being told, "I fucking hate you!!!" None of this matters. By the end of the night, one hand will be throwing the empty bottle of Evan to the driveway while the other skillfully grabs his date's ass.
You see what I'm getting at. Like with dating, success is not always assured in a football contest. But it all comes down to this: when the proverbial other shoe is about to drop, who's it coming down on? Sadly, UVA is like the first guy and UGA is like the second guy. This is what separates the merely good from the truly great. UVA was tied 0-0 at halftime against Tech this past year, but we all knew Tech was going to be the one to block a kick, have one of those backbreaker 30-yard receptions or conjure up some other sort of magik from Beamer's asschin. Against Miami, UVA had gotten ridiculously lucky by way of not having to rely on Marques Hagans to engineer a 2-minute passing drill (he ran for a freak 60-yarder instead), but we all knew that Roscoe Parrish was pulling down a TD on 4th after the refs saved Coker's ass on a phantom missed field goal/time out.
Likewise, the Bulldog offense was as ice-cold as UGA VI's testicles on a hot day against SEC also-rans like USC and Arkansas, but no one ever felt like the outcome was in doubt. Georgia simply wins, regardless of whether or not they played uninspiring football (quite the reoccurrence in 2004). I never get the feeling from UGA fans that the Dawgs have to play a flawless game to win. Ask a Hoo fan what it'll take to win in the Orange Bowl this year, and you'll likely find out what his favorite of the Ten Plagues are.
Kyle Wright, flustered by UVA's swarming defense.
2. If you could choose one coach to build an offensive system for your school, who would it be? Conversely, who would you choose to devise the defense? Why?
I'd almost rather spend a day in Blacksburg than write this, but when it works, I'd take Tech's offense because it's almost exactly like I play in NCAA 2006. Solid smash-mouth running game, mobile QB, speed freak WR's who end up with yearly stats like 30 receptions/950 yards/10 TDs. I just wish that if you chose Virginia A&M as your school in "Race For the Heisman," they'd have a "girlfriend" picture near the computer of a 14-year old girl. As for my NCAA 2006 defense, I just blitz my humanoid LB's and hope my secondary bails me out...and they usually don't. So I'll stick with UVA's, thank you very much.
Ron New Mexico and Sir Loin...doin' it 4 da shorteez.
3. Describe your typical college fotoball Saturday.
Remember when Chris Rock said, "if you're on MLK, there's some violence goin' on!" Well, if you're in Athens on a Saturday, there's some drinkin' goin' on.
I'm sort of in an odd situation with what I do on a typical Saturday, since my current institution houses my second favorite football squadron. So while I would love to see the Dawgs go 11-0 for the fact that it would embiggen the cromulence of UGA, it's mostly because I don't want a Saturday night ruined by the fact that people simply don't know how to handle losing. Perhaps this makes them better football fans, but it's tough to hit the bars in Athens with so many people rending their clothes in the streets.
But anyways, I've been able to treat Gameday in Athens as more of a party than an intense watching experience. It's still not a complete process; I bought into the whole "the threat is real!" vibe of 1L and parlayed UGA's mostly garbage bag home schedule into a pretty penny.
Last year, me and my codependents got into some "we'd drink cooking wine if it was the only booze left" shenanigans, when I wasn't trading a Vandy ticket to Bitser for what was originally slated to be a 4-pack of Sparks, but ended up by Manischevitz instead. The last time I watched a UGA game stone-cold sober was during Finals week as a 1L when they played LSU in the SEC Championship game and we all know how that game turned out.
In fact, most UVA games were like that too, since during my last two years in Charlottesville, we put some gawdawful teams out on the field. Unlike Joe Pa, George Welsh knew that going from Aaron Brooks and Thomas Jones to the immortal backfield of Bryson Spinner, Arlen Harris and Antoine Womack (all might be somewhat familiar only to those who have truly scoured the bottom of the fantasy barrel) in the span of two years was evidence that the recruiting game has passed him by.
If we have a home game, I don't think I need to tell you that the pregame begins on Friday. Most of the time. On Gameday, all the roads shut down, which isn't that different than the generally crawl-like traffic in Athens anyways. Fortunately, our Gameday Epicenter is located right above Transmet, which is a two-minute walk from the Law School building, which is just about the only place you're allowed to piss if you're tailgating. You might tell yourself that it's better to not get hammered on Friday night because you need it for Saturday, but you can't fall asleep on your friend's grimy-ass couch if you've been sipping Sharp's to keep your edge. Other times, I'll find it easier to wake up at 7 AM and drive downtown to find parking. One of Athens' greatest assets is the fact that leaving your car downtown overnight will net you a $3 ticket. It's really all a matter of taste, but I have the superhuman ability to wake up early regardless of previous alcohol consumption, so if I'm passed out at my friend's place, I'm up early enough to steal some of the better Healthy Choice meals.
If we've got a nooner, you'll definitely catch me cracking a few Sparks's' to start the day off right. Oh yeah...nothing beats that "fuckin' A! We're doing some DRINKING!" belt of Jack at 8 AM. Of course, that gives in to the reasoning of "let's slow this shit down just slightly, otherwise you could be leaving halfway through the LSU game because there was a Taco Stand burrito-shaped void in your life that needed to be filled. And then you might stumble drunkenly around town, trying unsuccessfully to find a CD shop that has a copy of Brian Wilson's 'Smile.'" As I've said before, I learn this shit so you don't have to.
After the game ends, hopefully in victorious fashion, we regroup at HQ and pray to fucking god we have at least some Keystone Light (better known as "Pennsylvania Piss" to you, Johnny Reb) to get us through the night game in Baton Rouge that is on 95% of the time. Then, perhaps a nap, but definitely some Roly Poly 'round 6-ish so you can be back in the game like Jack Lalane when the bar scene calls. Jager is probably involved somewhere in the interim, and you wake up on Sunday possibly still drunk...with a sunny enough disposition to text message your pal Charlsie, to which she replies, "I hate life." Then you hit Kroger for this week's groceries, promise yourself that you'll get your shit together this week, and cover the portion of your Sunday that is "lying to yourself."
If it's an away game for UGA, that's a whole 'nother bag of donuts. Long story short, if UVA's on TV, I'm watching that. And I'm watching the damn thing alone, most likely. I don't like to deal with UGA fans doing that whole, "you're pretty damn vocal...for a UVA FAN!" routine...and moreover, I don't like dealing with the fact that during UVA's big game last year against FSU, someone was dumb enough to actually wager money on a Hoo win. Wow, that was a fun one...I think I polished off a bottle of Manischevitz in 10 minutes flat, because I thought it would please God to the point he'd not turn the annual game against the 'Noles into the raw footage that would comprise 95% of what they'd show when an FSU RB is about to get drafted. Well, ended up being 36-3 and never have more "why does God hate us?" refrains been heard. Simply mortifying on all accounts.
Usually though, I take an away Saturday as a chance to get some shit done before noon. And likely until 3, because God knows the last thing I need to see is some intense "this time...it's for the SUN BOWL!" Big Ten action on the Deuce. After that, we usually grill out at Trucks' place, because as our married friend, he's the only guy who can provide us a forum to prepare raw meat and not have it turn into a Botswana AIDS clinic Germ Disaster. Once we polish off enough Budweisers Select (no Miller in his house...that's an ironclad rule), we realize that maybe UTEP/Houston isn't the compelling matchup we thought it was an hour ago, so then we just go repeat what I wrote two paragraphs before.
And by the way, we haven't had a home game during the school year since Teh Megan and I started dating. Warrants mentioning. In fact, if UGA hadn't finally beaten UF last year, everyone would probably have been too depressed to go forth with throwing the Halloween party which was our first legitimate date. Just keep the name "Ron Zook" in mind when "whose dubious handling of UF's talent may partly be responsible for this relationship?" pops up as part of "Ian & Megan" Team Trivia during our beach wedding.
Over a week ago, the apparently ESP-having Bol all but dared Sean Fennessey (is Eva Longoria the only thing outrageously overrated? We'll see) to vouch for Kanye's latest polarizer...and wouldn't you know? P-Fork done gave it a 9.5, which is rarefied, "Turn On The Bright Lights," "Funeral," "The Meadowlands" territory...which, not coincidentally, are among my favorite albums of the 21st century. As I've said before, an inordinately high P-Fork review of a band I've heard of rarely steers me wrong, but damn. Much like how the inclusion of "Smokin'" and "Braveheart Party" precluded "Stillmatic" from possibly being considered a 5-mic classic, "Diamonds" and "Gold Digger" are not two cuts from something that's being touted as a presumptive classic. I guess I'll find out tomorrow whether it's "Aquemini" (where evaluating it as "hip-hop" is reductive), or an "Eminem Show" (overbearing, overinclusive, humorless, self-important).
Better yet, in one of the more hyperaware internet contests in history, at Gorilla vs. Bear, you can guess the already-determined, inordinately-low score that Death Cab's new album is going to get from da 'Fork. I guessed a 3.5, based on the fact that's generally what Jimmy Eat World's pulling. As I said before, I'll find out tomorrow, since if they didn't stop me from buying and thoroughly enjoying the latest ...Trail Of Dead album, they won't here.
Also, you should be reading EDSBS as we speak, but if you're not clued into the genius that is so rock-solid, not even a UF education could sully it, start here. I must protest their failure to mention the infamous Lil' Hoo, one of the most bizarre footnotes to mascot lore. Although photo documentation is not available, imagine the Nebraska mascot that looks like the Bob's Big Boy crossed with one of those inflatable punching bag/clowns...and remember that this is EXACTLY what the ad wizards at the AD wanted
to come up with.
+ =Your tax dollars at work
I can't exactly recall most of what happened from 2001-2002, but that's especially true with Lil' Hoo, since he was there in addition to our regular mascot. More or less, he wobbled around, flipped on its "head," absorbed insults and empty cups that would otherwise be directed at a FSU player and distracted us all from the fact that we were winning 17-16 games against Richmond at home.
Conor Oberst...Nebraska import accepted slightly more warmly in C-ville than Lil' Hoo
In fact, here's the obit...
Wear and tear accounts for a notable absence on the Virginia sidelines this year: Lil' Hoo. Lil' Hoo was retired last year after his motor and battery became weak and rusted. The inflatable costume was torn and dirty and, as the senior mascot admitted, "a lot of people hated Lil' Hoo. They hated 'that blob.'"
In other news, although I didn't get to watch the VMA's, if R. Kelly really did perform "Trapped In The Closet" by himself, that's the greatest thing in the history of EVER.
On with the show then, for BlogPoll #6, courtesy of Heisman Pundit. Please fellow BlogPollers, no need for an intervention here...
1. What criteria do you use to determine if a team and its players are good?
Frat analogy time! Nothing quite beats a frat date function...okay, that's a lie. But considering that I handled the monthly brother roast (big surprise there), I always looked forward to these faux-formal events to give me enough grist for my endlessly repeating mill of jokes regarding ugly dates and uncontrollable falling down. And in my time, dates have come and gone, but there are generally four types of approaches brothers usually take. We'll throw out two of them for the sake of ease, because no one wants to hear about the terminally inept or those who always take their friend or long-term girlfriend. They won't be the ones making out on the pool table. So fuck 'em.
As for the other two types, there's the one guy who always tries to take the hottest girl possible. Now, there's a chance he can succeed; after all, he had enough game to at least get the date to begin with. But everyone knows there's an inordinate amount of external factors that have to go down exactly right for things to be groovy, i.e., he has to drink enough to feel loose, but not too much that he passes out during "Wonderful Tonight," she has to get along with the other dates, etc. Then there's the guy who's taking heroic pulls of Evan Williams and could very well end up yelling at his date or being told, "I fucking hate you!!!" None of this matters. By the end of the night, one hand will be throwing the empty bottle of Evan to the driveway while the other skillfully grabs his date's ass.
You see what I'm getting at. Like with dating, success is not always assured in a football contest. But it all comes down to this: when the proverbial other shoe is about to drop, who's it coming down on? Sadly, UVA is like the first guy and UGA is like the second guy. This is what separates the merely good from the truly great. UVA was tied 0-0 at halftime against Tech this past year, but we all knew Tech was going to be the one to block a kick, have one of those backbreaker 30-yard receptions or conjure up some other sort of magik from Beamer's asschin. Against Miami, UVA had gotten ridiculously lucky by way of not having to rely on Marques Hagans to engineer a 2-minute passing drill (he ran for a freak 60-yarder instead), but we all knew that Roscoe Parrish was pulling down a TD on 4th after the refs saved Coker's ass on a phantom missed field goal/time out.
Likewise, the Bulldog offense was as ice-cold as UGA VI's testicles on a hot day against SEC also-rans like USC and Arkansas, but no one ever felt like the outcome was in doubt. Georgia simply wins, regardless of whether or not they played uninspiring football (quite the reoccurrence in 2004). I never get the feeling from UGA fans that the Dawgs have to play a flawless game to win. Ask a Hoo fan what it'll take to win in the Orange Bowl this year, and you'll likely find out what his favorite of the Ten Plagues are.
Kyle Wright, flustered by UVA's swarming defense.
2. If you could choose one coach to build an offensive system for your school, who would it be? Conversely, who would you choose to devise the defense? Why?
I'd almost rather spend a day in Blacksburg than write this, but when it works, I'd take Tech's offense because it's almost exactly like I play in NCAA 2006. Solid smash-mouth running game, mobile QB, speed freak WR's who end up with yearly stats like 30 receptions/950 yards/10 TDs. I just wish that if you chose Virginia A&M as your school in "Race For the Heisman," they'd have a "girlfriend" picture near the computer of a 14-year old girl. As for my NCAA 2006 defense, I just blitz my humanoid LB's and hope my secondary bails me out...and they usually don't. So I'll stick with UVA's, thank you very much.
Ron New Mexico and Sir Loin...doin' it 4 da shorteez.
3. Describe your typical college fotoball Saturday.
Remember when Chris Rock said, "if you're on MLK, there's some violence goin' on!" Well, if you're in Athens on a Saturday, there's some drinkin' goin' on.
I'm sort of in an odd situation with what I do on a typical Saturday, since my current institution houses my second favorite football squadron. So while I would love to see the Dawgs go 11-0 for the fact that it would embiggen the cromulence of UGA, it's mostly because I don't want a Saturday night ruined by the fact that people simply don't know how to handle losing. Perhaps this makes them better football fans, but it's tough to hit the bars in Athens with so many people rending their clothes in the streets.
But anyways, I've been able to treat Gameday in Athens as more of a party than an intense watching experience. It's still not a complete process; I bought into the whole "the threat is real!" vibe of 1L and parlayed UGA's mostly garbage bag home schedule into a pretty penny.
Last year, me and my codependents got into some "we'd drink cooking wine if it was the only booze left" shenanigans, when I wasn't trading a Vandy ticket to Bitser for what was originally slated to be a 4-pack of Sparks, but ended up by Manischevitz instead. The last time I watched a UGA game stone-cold sober was during Finals week as a 1L when they played LSU in the SEC Championship game and we all know how that game turned out.
In fact, most UVA games were like that too, since during my last two years in Charlottesville, we put some gawdawful teams out on the field. Unlike Joe Pa, George Welsh knew that going from Aaron Brooks and Thomas Jones to the immortal backfield of Bryson Spinner, Arlen Harris and Antoine Womack (all might be somewhat familiar only to those who have truly scoured the bottom of the fantasy barrel) in the span of two years was evidence that the recruiting game has passed him by.
If we have a home game, I don't think I need to tell you that the pregame begins on Friday. Most of the time. On Gameday, all the roads shut down, which isn't that different than the generally crawl-like traffic in Athens anyways. Fortunately, our Gameday Epicenter is located right above Transmet, which is a two-minute walk from the Law School building, which is just about the only place you're allowed to piss if you're tailgating. You might tell yourself that it's better to not get hammered on Friday night because you need it for Saturday, but you can't fall asleep on your friend's grimy-ass couch if you've been sipping Sharp's to keep your edge. Other times, I'll find it easier to wake up at 7 AM and drive downtown to find parking. One of Athens' greatest assets is the fact that leaving your car downtown overnight will net you a $3 ticket. It's really all a matter of taste, but I have the superhuman ability to wake up early regardless of previous alcohol consumption, so if I'm passed out at my friend's place, I'm up early enough to steal some of the better Healthy Choice meals.
If we've got a nooner, you'll definitely catch me cracking a few Sparks's' to start the day off right. Oh yeah...nothing beats that "fuckin' A! We're doing some DRINKING!" belt of Jack at 8 AM. Of course, that gives in to the reasoning of "let's slow this shit down just slightly, otherwise you could be leaving halfway through the LSU game because there was a Taco Stand burrito-shaped void in your life that needed to be filled. And then you might stumble drunkenly around town, trying unsuccessfully to find a CD shop that has a copy of Brian Wilson's 'Smile.'" As I've said before, I learn this shit so you don't have to.
After the game ends, hopefully in victorious fashion, we regroup at HQ and pray to fucking god we have at least some Keystone Light (better known as "Pennsylvania Piss" to you, Johnny Reb) to get us through the night game in Baton Rouge that is on 95% of the time. Then, perhaps a nap, but definitely some Roly Poly 'round 6-ish so you can be back in the game like Jack Lalane when the bar scene calls. Jager is probably involved somewhere in the interim, and you wake up on Sunday possibly still drunk...with a sunny enough disposition to text message your pal Charlsie, to which she replies, "I hate life." Then you hit Kroger for this week's groceries, promise yourself that you'll get your shit together this week, and cover the portion of your Sunday that is "lying to yourself."
If it's an away game for UGA, that's a whole 'nother bag of donuts. Long story short, if UVA's on TV, I'm watching that. And I'm watching the damn thing alone, most likely. I don't like to deal with UGA fans doing that whole, "you're pretty damn vocal...for a UVA FAN!" routine...and moreover, I don't like dealing with the fact that during UVA's big game last year against FSU, someone was dumb enough to actually wager money on a Hoo win. Wow, that was a fun one...I think I polished off a bottle of Manischevitz in 10 minutes flat, because I thought it would please God to the point he'd not turn the annual game against the 'Noles into the raw footage that would comprise 95% of what they'd show when an FSU RB is about to get drafted. Well, ended up being 36-3 and never have more "why does God hate us?" refrains been heard. Simply mortifying on all accounts.
Usually though, I take an away Saturday as a chance to get some shit done before noon. And likely until 3, because God knows the last thing I need to see is some intense "this time...it's for the SUN BOWL!" Big Ten action on the Deuce. After that, we usually grill out at Trucks' place, because as our married friend, he's the only guy who can provide us a forum to prepare raw meat and not have it turn into a Botswana AIDS clinic Germ Disaster. Once we polish off enough Budweisers Select (no Miller in his house...that's an ironclad rule), we realize that maybe UTEP/Houston isn't the compelling matchup we thought it was an hour ago, so then we just go repeat what I wrote two paragraphs before.
And by the way, we haven't had a home game during the school year since Teh Megan and I started dating. Warrants mentioning. In fact, if UGA hadn't finally beaten UF last year, everyone would probably have been too depressed to go forth with throwing the Halloween party which was our first legitimate date. Just keep the name "Ron Zook" in mind when "whose dubious handling of UF's talent may partly be responsible for this relationship?" pops up as part of "Ian & Megan" Team Trivia during our beach wedding.
posted by Ian at 11:28 PM
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