you're not hot, all you do is talk a lot
Most people bracket their history of alcohol intake by something like "the last time I threw up was..." Me, it's "the last time I was actually hungover was..." Yeah, there'll be Sundays where I don't really feel like doing much besides perusing through old issues of "Men's Health," but most of the time, even when I do "Russian-novel style" drinking, as the EDSBS kids would put it, I don't feel physically ill the day after. And by the way, the pressure's on with this post since Orson and Stranko called me "the funniest blogger. Period. Ever." in a post commemorating their blog's first birthday. It's quite an honor; I imagine I'd feel the same way if I was wailing on a keytar at Musician's Friend and Johnny Winter came up to compliment my chops.
No, that IS a color photo
Anyways, you would think my ability to recoup would be a gift from the Gods, but there's definitely a downside; rare are the times where I actually learn anything. Man is not meant to down vodka with names like "McCormick" or "Joseph Rothstein" and suffer no sort of meaningful repercussion.
Maybe that changed yesterday. I had three beers in about 45 minutes as a bit of a nightcap (granted, they were 8.1%), and as per usual on a weekend, I slapped on the first clothes I could find. After that was completed, there I was, wearing a rollneck sweater, Nike Shox and a North Face fleece. And I was about to hop in the Saturn to go pick up bagel sandwiches. And in sum, I guess this means I shouldn't be allowed to listen to hip-hop for at least a month. I played my copy of "By All Means Necessary" a little while ago and I'm pretty sure KRS-One's coming to kick my ass for that.
Anyways, I don't like to brandish the word "hypo" a whole lot, because that smacks of law school, and I've instituted a learning freeze that has gone on for a good number of months by now. To quote one Thrillhouse Van Houten, not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know. But anyways, for lack of a better word, hypo:
Let's say your boy over here is running a multimedia sports empire. Just so happens that a spot's opened up in the journalism department, and I've just received the resumes of the first three applicants. One went to Northwestern. Another went to Cornell. The last resume is from a UGA grad. Now, who gets hired?
Obviously, the answer is the UGA grad. And I don't say that out of institutional allegiance, but rather because in the event that he needs to write about women, the Bulldog is less likely to make an ass out of himself. The world of sports journalism can best be described by yet another Kool Keith lyric: "rubbin' elbows, tryin' to whisper in ugly bitches' earlobes." So naturally, any time a female athlete brings a little more to the table aesthetically than Lindsay Davenport, the knee-jerk reaction is to act like a Georgia Tech kid stepping foot in Athens for the first time.
Case in point, Dan Shanoff. I don't know anyone who actually enjoys the Daily Quickie, but most would rationalize it by saying that he has to come up with stuff every day, and that's not the easiest task. No kidding? Dude, go to EDSBS; they come up with three or four hilarious stories every day, and college football's season ended a fucking month ago. Imagine if their only job was "check ESPN.com multiple times every day and come up with some zingers by 9:30."
Anyways, it's one thing to be wrong, but it's another thing to be a Northwesternist, disguising being wrong as being clever. Let me present to you pictures of the U.S. Women's Curling team, which he called "the hottest in U.S. Olympic history"
Regular girl, you look so boring. Regular girl, you never turn me on.
Really? I'm not the most astute historian on this topic, but here's the description of your average female Olympian: in excellent shape, white and probably rich, since the kind of sports that have superstars with the last names of "Cohen" and "Kwan" are probably cost prohibitive. But when you use that subset as a starting point, doesn't logic dictate that if a female Olympian isn't hot, that's kind of a surprise? And although we don't have sports like beach volleyball in the Winter Games, we sure as shit don't have softball and shot put either. It's not like these girls are hideous, but I doubt they'd even be considered the crown jewels of your average ADPi pledge class at UVA (UGA kids, feel free to substitute "AGD"). But I guess touting the curling team's hotness is like saying Boise State was going to rock UGA; it strikes more of contrarianism for the hell of it than anything else. Just wake me when he's saying Jay Cutler should be drafted over Vince Young again.
Might as well address Tony Kornheiser joining the MNF cast. When MNF had its last game on ABC, most sportswriters correctly hailed that it was a non-issue. You can only withstand so much Kyle Boller and Mike McMahon before you break down and admit that not only does MNF has questionable athletic merit as well as almost nonexsistant cultural cachet. And besides, there's a good chance you'll go through the rest of your life and never meet someone who doesn't have ESPN, so the network switch wasn't a big deal either.
And moreover, my default rule is that I watch sporting events with the volume off. As much as I love the peagentry, excitement, etc., etc. of college football, a lot of times, it's a three-hour window to visually occupy myself while I catch up on my CD listening. Plus, after watching Syracuse/UVA earlier this year, I live in fear that Pam Ward will pop up to announce the game out of nowhere. You don't ask Vietnam vets why they look five times before crossing the street, so don't bother questioning me on this habit.
So while I probably should have no reason to care about the latest announcer hiring, I feel this is on par with milk on a hot San Diego afternoon. We all like Tony Kornheiser because he's the crotchety, sports-loving dad that most of us never had because our real dads were chasing the muff around at Vic's Driving Range. But as far as his actual sports knowledge? I can't even really speak on that. The bigger question is how he'll be able to do the entire game when he pretty much dismisses any sporting event that finishes after 9:30 because he's asleep by then.
Really, and not that surprisingly, it's a sportstainment move that once again assumes that the average sports fan is too fucking dumb to watch a televised football contest on its own. 99% of the time, an announcer can only make you turn a game off, and it certainly won't make me watch a game I'd otherwise ignore unless I see the words "Melissa Stark" and "nude" involved. Tiki, you better have hit that at UVA.
"Naw, shorty...'cut up' means something entirely different in this context."
Why not just throw out all pretense and get Mannie Fresh and Baby to announce a game? Anyone who's ever heard a Ca$h Money intro skit knows what a tremendous idea this is. And by the way, I recall that sometime around the "How You Luv That, Vol. 2" era, Baby said he was thinking about buying the Saints. Dude, now's the time to step up, playboy! Take 'em to the mall, pimp!
As for Kornheiser, it's clearly in the Dennis Miller "shtick" vein. Granted, it's a likeable shtick, but it's still shtick nonetheless. I'm just concerned about how it will translate when Wilbon's not around to play the straight man. You've seen him interact with Dan LeBatard. And yeah, 95% of the unwatchability factor is directly attributable to LeBatard, but Kornheiser needs someone with Wilbon's steadiness to balance him out, lest he just go on and on about Morgan Fairchild and baldness medication.
And here's what bothers me: it could fuck up "PTI." It's not like the TV show really hurt him all that much, considering he wasn't in it. There wasn't any need for him to slink back to cable like Emeril did. And besides, I expect all TV shows to suck nowadays; it's a miracle I watch as much TV as I do. And by the way, if I haven't done so before, I'll tell you right now that you need to be watching "House." Although they've abated from using "you're risking a patient's life!" every time, by playing up the medical aspects of the show, the commercials aren't doing it justice. It's basically Hugh Laurie making witty, withering remarks and being right all the time. Sort of reminds me of me. Sure, Brett Favre could take a job with UPS after retirement and he still wouldn't pop as many pain pills as House, but he does get the occasional chance to twist out the likes of Sela Ward. Sleep is when Ralph Wiggum is a Viking and I am House.
Anyways, it's going to be interesting to see what happens to Kornheiser when he inevitably says something that pisses people off. And it's going to be something innocuous too, like saying the average woman in Green Bay can displace more water than most Americans. Then what?
We simply can't have anything happen to "PTI" that would tweak its dynamic. As is, it could literally go on forever and it deserves to. It did the unthinkable, finding a way to bridge the gap between my dinner and syndicated episodes of "The Simpsons." Before that, all we had is "106 & Park," and they only showed one video in between commercial breaks. Sure, it inspired an enormous amount of dreadful copycat shows and it's responsible for "SportsCenter"'s obsolescence as well as the fact that Woody Paige and Skip Bayless probably get paid better than the world's best AP Chemistry teacher so they can be wrong on TV every single day. But if Kornheiser has to abdicate his seat on MNF, you know they're going to fiddle with "PTI" to cast him in a better light. We can't have that. I simply can't resort to watching the MTV Jams channel, especially since every five minutes they're playing that "Lean With It, Rock With It" song that has made me completely lose my faith in hip-hop's lyrical ambition.
In other news, in recent games, ACC referees are doing an even poorer job than usual of hiding the fact that half of their job description is to orally pleasure Coach K when Wojo's not available. And it appears that Dick Vitale is the jealous tpye. That's pretty much the only way to explain his mash note to the first NCAA coach to resemble the gay guy from "Braveheart." Or was it "Gladiator"? Anyhoo, I'm gonna miss Quin Snyder; back when a matchup between the both of us was a big deal, the Mizzou/UVA game at U-Hall was fantastic. Heckling opportunities were endless; not only were they coached by Snyder, but they had that guy named Stokes who bore an astonishing resemblance to that one guy in Bone Thugs who's a meth head now. Plus, they had Arthur Johnson patrolling the middle. I'm fairly certain that Arthur Johnson and Lonny Baxter were the same guy. It was a great time for the 6'9" center with the agility of fudge.
And it was doubly good because I sat in the stands with my friend Alden, who happened to be from Kansas and a huge Jayhawk fan. I appreciate how KU/Mizzou is thought of as a bitter rivalry, but doesn't it seem ridiculously one-sided? Has there been any reason to be a proud Mizzou alumni in recent years? Anyways, last time I heard, Alden was in Mauritania doing stuff with the Peace Corps. Give you one guess what movie line she's tired of hearing.
Also, I caught "PCU" last night, and it struck me that Jessica Walter, David Spade and Jeremy Piven are playing the exact same roles in 1994 that they are in 2005. The same can't be said for John Favreau...go to imdb and remind yourself which character he played. (one second pause for you to be momentarily aghast)
That guy
No, that IS a color photo
Anyways, you would think my ability to recoup would be a gift from the Gods, but there's definitely a downside; rare are the times where I actually learn anything. Man is not meant to down vodka with names like "McCormick" or "Joseph Rothstein" and suffer no sort of meaningful repercussion.
Maybe that changed yesterday. I had three beers in about 45 minutes as a bit of a nightcap (granted, they were 8.1%), and as per usual on a weekend, I slapped on the first clothes I could find. After that was completed, there I was, wearing a rollneck sweater, Nike Shox and a North Face fleece. And I was about to hop in the Saturn to go pick up bagel sandwiches. And in sum, I guess this means I shouldn't be allowed to listen to hip-hop for at least a month. I played my copy of "By All Means Necessary" a little while ago and I'm pretty sure KRS-One's coming to kick my ass for that.
Anyways, I don't like to brandish the word "hypo" a whole lot, because that smacks of law school, and I've instituted a learning freeze that has gone on for a good number of months by now. To quote one Thrillhouse Van Houten, not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know. But anyways, for lack of a better word, hypo:
Let's say your boy over here is running a multimedia sports empire. Just so happens that a spot's opened up in the journalism department, and I've just received the resumes of the first three applicants. One went to Northwestern. Another went to Cornell. The last resume is from a UGA grad. Now, who gets hired?
Obviously, the answer is the UGA grad. And I don't say that out of institutional allegiance, but rather because in the event that he needs to write about women, the Bulldog is less likely to make an ass out of himself. The world of sports journalism can best be described by yet another Kool Keith lyric: "rubbin' elbows, tryin' to whisper in ugly bitches' earlobes." So naturally, any time a female athlete brings a little more to the table aesthetically than Lindsay Davenport, the knee-jerk reaction is to act like a Georgia Tech kid stepping foot in Athens for the first time.
Case in point, Dan Shanoff. I don't know anyone who actually enjoys the Daily Quickie, but most would rationalize it by saying that he has to come up with stuff every day, and that's not the easiest task. No kidding? Dude, go to EDSBS; they come up with three or four hilarious stories every day, and college football's season ended a fucking month ago. Imagine if their only job was "check ESPN.com multiple times every day and come up with some zingers by 9:30."
Anyways, it's one thing to be wrong, but it's another thing to be a Northwesternist, disguising being wrong as being clever. Let me present to you pictures of the U.S. Women's Curling team, which he called "the hottest in U.S. Olympic history"
Regular girl, you look so boring. Regular girl, you never turn me on.
Really? I'm not the most astute historian on this topic, but here's the description of your average female Olympian: in excellent shape, white and probably rich, since the kind of sports that have superstars with the last names of "Cohen" and "Kwan" are probably cost prohibitive. But when you use that subset as a starting point, doesn't logic dictate that if a female Olympian isn't hot, that's kind of a surprise? And although we don't have sports like beach volleyball in the Winter Games, we sure as shit don't have softball and shot put either. It's not like these girls are hideous, but I doubt they'd even be considered the crown jewels of your average ADPi pledge class at UVA (UGA kids, feel free to substitute "AGD"). But I guess touting the curling team's hotness is like saying Boise State was going to rock UGA; it strikes more of contrarianism for the hell of it than anything else. Just wake me when he's saying Jay Cutler should be drafted over Vince Young again.
Might as well address Tony Kornheiser joining the MNF cast. When MNF had its last game on ABC, most sportswriters correctly hailed that it was a non-issue. You can only withstand so much Kyle Boller and Mike McMahon before you break down and admit that not only does MNF has questionable athletic merit as well as almost nonexsistant cultural cachet. And besides, there's a good chance you'll go through the rest of your life and never meet someone who doesn't have ESPN, so the network switch wasn't a big deal either.
And moreover, my default rule is that I watch sporting events with the volume off. As much as I love the peagentry, excitement, etc., etc. of college football, a lot of times, it's a three-hour window to visually occupy myself while I catch up on my CD listening. Plus, after watching Syracuse/UVA earlier this year, I live in fear that Pam Ward will pop up to announce the game out of nowhere. You don't ask Vietnam vets why they look five times before crossing the street, so don't bother questioning me on this habit.
So while I probably should have no reason to care about the latest announcer hiring, I feel this is on par with milk on a hot San Diego afternoon. We all like Tony Kornheiser because he's the crotchety, sports-loving dad that most of us never had because our real dads were chasing the muff around at Vic's Driving Range. But as far as his actual sports knowledge? I can't even really speak on that. The bigger question is how he'll be able to do the entire game when he pretty much dismisses any sporting event that finishes after 9:30 because he's asleep by then.
Really, and not that surprisingly, it's a sportstainment move that once again assumes that the average sports fan is too fucking dumb to watch a televised football contest on its own. 99% of the time, an announcer can only make you turn a game off, and it certainly won't make me watch a game I'd otherwise ignore unless I see the words "Melissa Stark" and "nude" involved. Tiki, you better have hit that at UVA.
"Naw, shorty...'cut up' means something entirely different in this context."
Why not just throw out all pretense and get Mannie Fresh and Baby to announce a game? Anyone who's ever heard a Ca$h Money intro skit knows what a tremendous idea this is. And by the way, I recall that sometime around the "How You Luv That, Vol. 2" era, Baby said he was thinking about buying the Saints. Dude, now's the time to step up, playboy! Take 'em to the mall, pimp!
As for Kornheiser, it's clearly in the Dennis Miller "shtick" vein. Granted, it's a likeable shtick, but it's still shtick nonetheless. I'm just concerned about how it will translate when Wilbon's not around to play the straight man. You've seen him interact with Dan LeBatard. And yeah, 95% of the unwatchability factor is directly attributable to LeBatard, but Kornheiser needs someone with Wilbon's steadiness to balance him out, lest he just go on and on about Morgan Fairchild and baldness medication.
And here's what bothers me: it could fuck up "PTI." It's not like the TV show really hurt him all that much, considering he wasn't in it. There wasn't any need for him to slink back to cable like Emeril did. And besides, I expect all TV shows to suck nowadays; it's a miracle I watch as much TV as I do. And by the way, if I haven't done so before, I'll tell you right now that you need to be watching "House." Although they've abated from using "you're risking a patient's life!" every time, by playing up the medical aspects of the show, the commercials aren't doing it justice. It's basically Hugh Laurie making witty, withering remarks and being right all the time. Sort of reminds me of me. Sure, Brett Favre could take a job with UPS after retirement and he still wouldn't pop as many pain pills as House, but he does get the occasional chance to twist out the likes of Sela Ward. Sleep is when Ralph Wiggum is a Viking and I am House.
Anyways, it's going to be interesting to see what happens to Kornheiser when he inevitably says something that pisses people off. And it's going to be something innocuous too, like saying the average woman in Green Bay can displace more water than most Americans. Then what?
We simply can't have anything happen to "PTI" that would tweak its dynamic. As is, it could literally go on forever and it deserves to. It did the unthinkable, finding a way to bridge the gap between my dinner and syndicated episodes of "The Simpsons." Before that, all we had is "106 & Park," and they only showed one video in between commercial breaks. Sure, it inspired an enormous amount of dreadful copycat shows and it's responsible for "SportsCenter"'s obsolescence as well as the fact that Woody Paige and Skip Bayless probably get paid better than the world's best AP Chemistry teacher so they can be wrong on TV every single day. But if Kornheiser has to abdicate his seat on MNF, you know they're going to fiddle with "PTI" to cast him in a better light. We can't have that. I simply can't resort to watching the MTV Jams channel, especially since every five minutes they're playing that "Lean With It, Rock With It" song that has made me completely lose my faith in hip-hop's lyrical ambition.
In other news, in recent games, ACC referees are doing an even poorer job than usual of hiding the fact that half of their job description is to orally pleasure Coach K when Wojo's not available. And it appears that Dick Vitale is the jealous tpye. That's pretty much the only way to explain his mash note to the first NCAA coach to resemble the gay guy from "Braveheart." Or was it "Gladiator"? Anyhoo, I'm gonna miss Quin Snyder; back when a matchup between the both of us was a big deal, the Mizzou/UVA game at U-Hall was fantastic. Heckling opportunities were endless; not only were they coached by Snyder, but they had that guy named Stokes who bore an astonishing resemblance to that one guy in Bone Thugs who's a meth head now. Plus, they had Arthur Johnson patrolling the middle. I'm fairly certain that Arthur Johnson and Lonny Baxter were the same guy. It was a great time for the 6'9" center with the agility of fudge.
And it was doubly good because I sat in the stands with my friend Alden, who happened to be from Kansas and a huge Jayhawk fan. I appreciate how KU/Mizzou is thought of as a bitter rivalry, but doesn't it seem ridiculously one-sided? Has there been any reason to be a proud Mizzou alumni in recent years? Anyways, last time I heard, Alden was in Mauritania doing stuff with the Peace Corps. Give you one guess what movie line she's tired of hearing.
Also, I caught "PCU" last night, and it struck me that Jessica Walter, David Spade and Jeremy Piven are playing the exact same roles in 1994 that they are in 2005. The same can't be said for John Favreau...go to imdb and remind yourself which character he played. (one second pause for you to be momentarily aghast)
That guy
posted by Ian at 2:57 PM
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