and with the third pick, i made the earth sick (part I)
I'll get to the Eagles and UVA selections later, but let's just get a little draft roundup (part I) before the jokes get stale...
- I didn't particularly like the Anthony Fasano pick by the Cowboys, especially in light of fantasy considerations. Which are my only considerations when you consider that "No Fun League" is the most accurate possible nickname for this particular organization. How else do you explain people wondering if sooper-genious Norm Chow can get uber-freak Vince Young to square-peg it in circle junction next year instead of creating awesome, and more importantly, watchable paradigms in the NFL. Seriously, I don't think Mario Williams is a particularly awful pick, but we're on the verge of Knicks/Heat in the mid-90's.
Anyways, about Fasano, there's only, like, five or six tight ends worth taking and Jason Witten's one of them. Now they've got a 2nd-round pick coming in at the same position. This is going to fuck up someone's day. Likely mine.
- Other than Marcus Vick not getting a sniff of interest from the NFL, nothing brings me greater pleasure than "you have to consider Jason Campbell as being part of this class." Word...how's that workin' out?
- Speaking of which, eventually, Arthur Blank's gonna be awarded an honorary degree at Virginia Tech, since the Atlanta Falcons and Home Depot are apparently the only people Hokies are qualified to work for. And by the way, I think an honorary VT degree gets you a free Biggie Fries at the local Wendy's. Anyhoo, did you know D.J. Shockley is going to be competing with Bryan Fuckin' Randall for the #3 spot? True story!
And speaking of true stories, I've always said that I don't have opinions, I state facts. Well, that's particularly true in terms of Blacksburg. So many times, people have told me, "I was driving through there, and you weren't kidding." Well, on my way up to Foxfield, Yahoo! gave us the scenic route of going up I-81, and sometime around 1:30, the missus and I decided we couldn't hold out any longer for an Arby's to pop up. So, we saw the exit for Blacksburg, and I figure we might as well stop there since I know people in that area like to eat. Lo and behold, the first two eating establishments you see off the exit are Shoney's and Denny's. We finally get to the Wendy's and having seen the "Now Hiring" sign on the outdoor placard, I got to use the "I guess they do have a Career Services" joke. So, we go in and try to ignore the troglodytes going about their business, and all of a sudden, Megan feels hesitant to tell me that one of the mouth-breathers working there is currently using his break to suck his thumb. As opposed to the other woman on break who decides the best way to inspire consumer confidence is to smoke inside your own eating establishment. Dear lord.
- I feel for Eric Shelton; not only is he coming off a year-long knee injury, but as evidenced by the selection of DeAngelo Williams, he's also dead. The going line on DeShaun Foster is that he can't stay healthy, but that always seems to be football-speak for "we think he's got shit luck." Really, I'm not sure how many Flintstones chewables make a difference when you're in the grasp of a tackle that's about to snap your ACL. Although I think Williams is better than Chris Perry, this has all the feel of that pick, where a team that needs a little something to get them over the hump hedges their bets instead of filling a need. Such as say, wide receiver. I checked that schedule, boys- you ain't playing the Bears sixteen times. All things told, this is yet another RB black hole where I'll probably end up with one of them as my starter.
- There can't be a worse team to be a fan of than the Buffalo Bills. And I'm not just talking about the four Supe losses in a row, which never sounds as bad as it actually is. All offseason, there was talk about how Marv Levy might as well take over as head coach, which isn't a particularly bad idea when you've got Dick Jauron as your main guy. But hey, at least he was GM...until he morphed into Junior Soprano on Saturday. I realize that they made a pretty good argument as to why they needed to draft eighteen safeties, but is there a more faceless team in the NFL than the Bills? I didn't even recognize Whitner and McCargo, probably because once I get to the later parts of the first-round mock draft, my eyes kinda glaze over. Mostly, I'm just pissed about them passing on Leinart. Well, I'm a little torn...particularly if they keep Losman up in there, thus continuing the train wreck that is "J.P. Losman: Starting NFL QB"...which is the only way the Bills become entertaining. But then again, who wouldn't want to see a guy who was called too "Hollywood" subjected to a life in Buffalo? Okay, Philly's been called the city with the worst groupies (at least in terms of the NBA), but does anyone think that Jeremy Bloom is gonna suffer all that much? Matt Leinart wasn't meant to play in any game where the temperature's less than 75. T'anks fer nothin', Buffalo!
- Speaking of teams that passed on Leinart, you gotta love the Lions. Only in Matt Millen's mind can a Kitna/McCown/Orlovsky depth chart not render QB a "need position." Yes, it would probably look like poor form for him to not only draft an offensive player, but one who plays the same position as their #1 from 2002. But come on- even Akili Smith and David Klingler didn't shellshock the Bengals out of taking Carson Palmer. The best guess here is that Leinart maybe was a little too "Hollywood" for Millen, who really wishes that Homer Simpson hadn't beaten him to the "has the whole world gone gay?!?!" quote.
- And speaking of QB's, let's get to our boy-boy Jay Cutler. I usually don't bother reading Skip Bayless, but since procrastination is the order of the day during finals season, I'll take what I can get. You see, it's easy to write a Skip Bayless article, just so long as you go against what you perceive as conventional wisdom and assume it's truth without backing any of it up. Exactly how does he figure Manny Lawson will be a better player than Mario Williams? The best part of this article is how he says Mike Shanahan won a Super Bowl on April 29, 2006, a curious statement about a guy who's won something like one playoff game post-Elway. The reason they've won a Super Bowl already is that they drafted Jay Cutler. I'm not saying that he'll be a bad pro or anything; it's just that the logic is flawed. He says that the Broncos were denied a shot at the Seahawks this year because Jake Plummer, a QB whose stellar play got them homefield advantage during the playoffs, turned the ball over too much against the Steelers. It's understood that Plummer takes plenty of risks and he'll probably never change his stripes. So how is it that by taking the draft's most notorious gunslinger, someone whose college career was spent playing from behind at nearly all points, everything's different now? Cutler may not start this year, but I guarantee you that when Brett Favre retires, Jay's gonna helm the mantle for a few years when it comes to throwing baffling INT's into double coverage while announcers chalk it up to boys being boys or whatever.
The better move was getting Javon Walker, a process which shows how fucking counterintuitive the NFL has become. Let me get this straight: there's only one team out there who doesn't think Javon Walker constitutes anything more than the 37th-best player in the 2006 NFL Draft? No one else wanted their 2nd-round draft pick to magically turn into a Pro Bowl WR with only three years of meaningful playing time? I understand that he's coming off an injury and acquiring WR's via trade or free agency can be risky. History is littered with Andre Risons who never become the man in their new digs. It was pretty inevitable that the saddest acquisition of the offseason would happen to the Bills, as they took Worthless Price back in when Eric Moulds became a guaranteed fantasy bust by going to the Texans.
Well, what about drafting WR's? Yeah, that always works out. When compared to a current Pro Bowler who may not even be in his prime yet, doesn't picking any receiver constitute a "limited ceiling, unlimited basement" situation? Fucking No Fun League.
- I didn't particularly like the Anthony Fasano pick by the Cowboys, especially in light of fantasy considerations. Which are my only considerations when you consider that "No Fun League" is the most accurate possible nickname for this particular organization. How else do you explain people wondering if sooper-genious Norm Chow can get uber-freak Vince Young to square-peg it in circle junction next year instead of creating awesome, and more importantly, watchable paradigms in the NFL. Seriously, I don't think Mario Williams is a particularly awful pick, but we're on the verge of Knicks/Heat in the mid-90's.
Anyways, about Fasano, there's only, like, five or six tight ends worth taking and Jason Witten's one of them. Now they've got a 2nd-round pick coming in at the same position. This is going to fuck up someone's day. Likely mine.
- Other than Marcus Vick not getting a sniff of interest from the NFL, nothing brings me greater pleasure than "you have to consider Jason Campbell as being part of this class." Word...how's that workin' out?
- Speaking of which, eventually, Arthur Blank's gonna be awarded an honorary degree at Virginia Tech, since the Atlanta Falcons and Home Depot are apparently the only people Hokies are qualified to work for. And by the way, I think an honorary VT degree gets you a free Biggie Fries at the local Wendy's. Anyhoo, did you know D.J. Shockley is going to be competing with Bryan Fuckin' Randall for the #3 spot? True story!
And speaking of true stories, I've always said that I don't have opinions, I state facts. Well, that's particularly true in terms of Blacksburg. So many times, people have told me, "I was driving through there, and you weren't kidding." Well, on my way up to Foxfield, Yahoo! gave us the scenic route of going up I-81, and sometime around 1:30, the missus and I decided we couldn't hold out any longer for an Arby's to pop up. So, we saw the exit for Blacksburg, and I figure we might as well stop there since I know people in that area like to eat. Lo and behold, the first two eating establishments you see off the exit are Shoney's and Denny's. We finally get to the Wendy's and having seen the "Now Hiring" sign on the outdoor placard, I got to use the "I guess they do have a Career Services" joke. So, we go in and try to ignore the troglodytes going about their business, and all of a sudden, Megan feels hesitant to tell me that one of the mouth-breathers working there is currently using his break to suck his thumb. As opposed to the other woman on break who decides the best way to inspire consumer confidence is to smoke inside your own eating establishment. Dear lord.
- I feel for Eric Shelton; not only is he coming off a year-long knee injury, but as evidenced by the selection of DeAngelo Williams, he's also dead. The going line on DeShaun Foster is that he can't stay healthy, but that always seems to be football-speak for "we think he's got shit luck." Really, I'm not sure how many Flintstones chewables make a difference when you're in the grasp of a tackle that's about to snap your ACL. Although I think Williams is better than Chris Perry, this has all the feel of that pick, where a team that needs a little something to get them over the hump hedges their bets instead of filling a need. Such as say, wide receiver. I checked that schedule, boys- you ain't playing the Bears sixteen times. All things told, this is yet another RB black hole where I'll probably end up with one of them as my starter.
- There can't be a worse team to be a fan of than the Buffalo Bills. And I'm not just talking about the four Supe losses in a row, which never sounds as bad as it actually is. All offseason, there was talk about how Marv Levy might as well take over as head coach, which isn't a particularly bad idea when you've got Dick Jauron as your main guy. But hey, at least he was GM...until he morphed into Junior Soprano on Saturday. I realize that they made a pretty good argument as to why they needed to draft eighteen safeties, but is there a more faceless team in the NFL than the Bills? I didn't even recognize Whitner and McCargo, probably because once I get to the later parts of the first-round mock draft, my eyes kinda glaze over. Mostly, I'm just pissed about them passing on Leinart. Well, I'm a little torn...particularly if they keep Losman up in there, thus continuing the train wreck that is "J.P. Losman: Starting NFL QB"...which is the only way the Bills become entertaining. But then again, who wouldn't want to see a guy who was called too "Hollywood" subjected to a life in Buffalo? Okay, Philly's been called the city with the worst groupies (at least in terms of the NBA), but does anyone think that Jeremy Bloom is gonna suffer all that much? Matt Leinart wasn't meant to play in any game where the temperature's less than 75. T'anks fer nothin', Buffalo!
- Speaking of teams that passed on Leinart, you gotta love the Lions. Only in Matt Millen's mind can a Kitna/McCown/Orlovsky depth chart not render QB a "need position." Yes, it would probably look like poor form for him to not only draft an offensive player, but one who plays the same position as their #1 from 2002. But come on- even Akili Smith and David Klingler didn't shellshock the Bengals out of taking Carson Palmer. The best guess here is that Leinart maybe was a little too "Hollywood" for Millen, who really wishes that Homer Simpson hadn't beaten him to the "has the whole world gone gay?!?!" quote.
- And speaking of QB's, let's get to our boy-boy Jay Cutler. I usually don't bother reading Skip Bayless, but since procrastination is the order of the day during finals season, I'll take what I can get. You see, it's easy to write a Skip Bayless article, just so long as you go against what you perceive as conventional wisdom and assume it's truth without backing any of it up. Exactly how does he figure Manny Lawson will be a better player than Mario Williams? The best part of this article is how he says Mike Shanahan won a Super Bowl on April 29, 2006, a curious statement about a guy who's won something like one playoff game post-Elway. The reason they've won a Super Bowl already is that they drafted Jay Cutler. I'm not saying that he'll be a bad pro or anything; it's just that the logic is flawed. He says that the Broncos were denied a shot at the Seahawks this year because Jake Plummer, a QB whose stellar play got them homefield advantage during the playoffs, turned the ball over too much against the Steelers. It's understood that Plummer takes plenty of risks and he'll probably never change his stripes. So how is it that by taking the draft's most notorious gunslinger, someone whose college career was spent playing from behind at nearly all points, everything's different now? Cutler may not start this year, but I guarantee you that when Brett Favre retires, Jay's gonna helm the mantle for a few years when it comes to throwing baffling INT's into double coverage while announcers chalk it up to boys being boys or whatever.
The better move was getting Javon Walker, a process which shows how fucking counterintuitive the NFL has become. Let me get this straight: there's only one team out there who doesn't think Javon Walker constitutes anything more than the 37th-best player in the 2006 NFL Draft? No one else wanted their 2nd-round draft pick to magically turn into a Pro Bowl WR with only three years of meaningful playing time? I understand that he's coming off an injury and acquiring WR's via trade or free agency can be risky. History is littered with Andre Risons who never become the man in their new digs. It was pretty inevitable that the saddest acquisition of the offseason would happen to the Bills, as they took Worthless Price back in when Eric Moulds became a guaranteed fantasy bust by going to the Texans.
Well, what about drafting WR's? Yeah, that always works out. When compared to a current Pro Bowler who may not even be in his prime yet, doesn't picking any receiver constitute a "limited ceiling, unlimited basement" situation? Fucking No Fun League.
posted by Ian at 10:58 PM
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